Editorial: SPRING 2014 FASHION PREVIEW...

...j/k. It's still SOOOOO '08. But it's hard to tell when setting your pupil upon Leroi Jankowitz's frock (pictured). My crew and I were out and about this weekend, on the trail of some serious trend-setting, be it Emily Bissett's haute Nipple-Free BodySuit (a one-piece of latex and tar with no holes for anything but nipples) or the new baby-blue-and-sand tone stretchy waistbands of Chanel's OldWetty; a decidedly upscale take on the Depend adult diaper, lined with Swarovski crystals and the embryos of baby seals that have already been impregnated by other seals. Ravishing, dahhhling!

But it was none other than Mr. Jankowitz, thrice turned away from "Project Runway" (this season, he admittedly slept though the call after a heavy night of Rollos and poppers) that made our disposable Walgreen's cameras glitter the greatest...

Few could even pull off his look. At nearly 7 feet tall, 285 lbs, he, today, seems not incongruous with the neoclassicism of a young Audrey Hepburn--an unprecedented vision of strong lines, floor-length gowns with the cleanest silhouettes and a flawless, timeless sense of beauty that could transpose any fashion into the forefront. Hepburn herself, were she not dead from cancer, would truly feel that the 'torch' had been rightly passed should she have bumped into Mr. Jankowitz at 4:11 am this Saturday on Sunset Boulevard.

Alas, she couldn't, so we did our own investigating. Though it was dangerous work at first; I was nearly stabbed by Mr. Jankowitz's stately 'wife' 'Swingin' P' and it was only after I told them both that I wrote for TMA that they eased down...and asked for five dollars. I obliged.

When I asked Leroi what many in my situation would have asked--how he envisioned that the bejeweled-semi-zebra-print-gold-chain-knee-high boot would jive so utterly brilliantly with the rest of the ensemble without overwhelming it, his response was simple, confident, recalling a young Yves Saint Laurent: "One word: My ass. Do I have ham in between my teeth? Do I smell like dicks? Oh, nice, there's still some ham in my purse..."

Indeed there WAS ham in his purse! Literally and figuratively. The ham-colored purse was that 'special something' that made the line backer look-alike look more like a fashion maven than anything else. And the side of raw ham was fabulous--so bold, so...animalistic!

Our interview ended abruptly, as Leroi disappeared into the back of an alley and then momentarily reappeared to make take the gun. I still have it! Note to self: I must be returning that to him (hopefully every sequin is intact).

With a flourish, a light vomit, and then an unexpected burst into the early morning traffic, this week's trend-setter was sure to light the day on fire. With big, wavy flames of sequin, cheap metals, and flamable fabrics. Here's to you, Leroi Jankowitz--I know we'll some day meet again, perhaps in Milan, perhaps at Denny's.

Study our snapshot. See how he works it, right down to those meaty fingers with wildly terrifying press-on nails. Notice that he is unafraid of textures, like plastic, tin, or fake zebra, and that tying your shirt off into a knot is back--in a gargantuan way. See the tiny, useless belt-thing over his brazen short-shorts--go out, get one, NOW, or you'll be behind the times before Leroi's thrown up his breakfast and made his first fifteen dollars of the day. See that there is sensuality in the leg; we don't see much of it--he knows just how to be conservative and get us with how he 'holds back'; control is key in dressing yourself without looking trashy--but it does peek out from those tiny shorts, and over those menacing boots.

And, at last, look at that smile. Charm, wit, charisma. THAT will surely be the staple of fashion in 2014. Yes, Leroi, you may have ham between your teeth, but your star shines so bright that I only see your bacon--