All About Me!

A mini-bio of Dr. Mordechai Rosenbaum

Note: I have written this in the 3rd person to sound less pretentious.

Morty, as he prefers to be called is a successful orthodontist with a private practice not far from his home in the Long Island suburb of Great Neck. Before anything else, Morty is proud to state that every year he upgrades to the new Toyota Prius.

Raised in the Red Hook section of Brooklyn, Morty developed a crippling inferiority complex in grade school because of the constant teasing by his fellow students about his biblical namesake. As the second of four children born to Eastern European immigrants, Morty’s parents were less than helpful in building up their son’s poor self-image.

After high school, Morty did his undergraduate work at CUNY Queens College, where his classmates included Jerry Seinfeld and Paul Reiser. Though they weren’t the best of friends, Morty says that they were definitely the kind of guys you could say hi in the hallway to.

While attending dental school at New York University, Morty met Linda Greenblatt. Though it wasn’t exactly love at first sight, Morty says that Linda eventually wore him down. They were married immediately after graduation.

After completing his internship, Morty and Linda opened his first practice in Staten Island. He worked on the teeth of a rapidly growing patient base and Linda did the secretarial work as well as handling all financial aspects of the company. Morty often makes light-hearted jokes about his trust to let a Jewish woman handle the money. These jokes always end with Morty drifting off and staring into a corner for thirty seconds.

The business expanded and eventually became the Great Neck office of today which has seven employees and almost one hundred devoted patients.

Morty and Linda have three beautiful children. First came twin girls Jessica and Ashley, who attend Vasser and Brandeis respectively. Both girls pledged Alpha Phi Gamma sorority and rose to become treasurer. Both Jessica and Ashley drive BMW’s and list “Coke Zero, my new nose, and the 47th Street Diamond district as my three favorite things ever”.

Though he loves his daughters, Morty (with the aid of three glasses of Chivas Regal) describes them as “insipid, JAP bitch, spoiled brats who tell me they hate me and ask for money in the same breath. They’re trying to drain me financially and mentally through the scrotum”. He is also distasteful of the twins’ decision to take their mother’s last name of Goldblatt.

Morty's youngest is his 12-year old son, Jacob. Jacob is an honor roll student at East Great Neck Middle School, and receives bar mitzvah training at Temple Beth Chaim. Morty tells me that he and Linda are planning a Lost-themed party.

Jacob is also into sports. Since the age of 7, he has played in the East-Central Nassau County youth soccer league. Despite Jacob’s protestations that it aggravates his asthma and that he has always hated soccer, Linda insists that it is good for his cognitive development.

Morty would describe his current life as in a “transitional period”. Though dedicated to his wife, he admits that the last time they were intimate was that time “Linda took one for the team in the car at Niagra Falls”.

Morty’s hobbies include waking up at 5:30 every day to go work out at Bally’s (at Linda’s insistence). His favorite time of the day is after the last patient leaves and Morty is free to take a few hits from the nitrus-oxide tank before going home to face his family.

In short. Morty is a middle-aged, sexually frustrated, spiritually repressed, financially abused, average Jewish professional from Long Island.