A mini-bio of Dr. Mordechai Rosenbaum
Note: I have written this in the 3rd person to sound less pretentious.
Morty, as he prefers to be called is a successful orthodontist with a private practice not far from his home in the Long Island suburb of Great Neck. Before anything else, Morty is proud to state that every year he upgrades to the new Toyota Prius.
Raised in the Red Hook section of Brooklyn, Morty developed a crippling inferiority complex in grade school because of the constant teasing by his fellow students about his biblical namesake. As the second of four children born to Eastern European immigrants, Morty’s parents were less than helpful in building up their son’s poor self-image.
After high school, Morty did his undergraduate work at CUNY Queens College, where his classmates included Jerry Seinfeld and Paul Reiser. Though they weren’t the best of friends, Morty says that they were definitely the kind of guys you could say hi in the hallway to.
While attending dental school at New York University, Morty met Linda Greenblatt. Though it wasn’t exactly love at first sight, Morty says that Linda eventually wore him down. They were married immediately after graduation.
After completing his internship, Morty and Linda opened his first practice in Staten Island. He worked on the teeth of a rapidly growing patient base and Linda did the secretarial work as well as handling all financial aspects of the company. Morty often makes light-hearted jokes about his trust to let a Jewish woman handle the money. These jokes always end with Morty drifting off and staring into a corner for thirty seconds.
The business expanded and eventually became the Great Neck office of today which has seven employees and almost one hundred devoted patients.
Morty and Linda have three beautiful children. First came twin girls Jessica and Ashley, who attend Vasser and Brandeis respectively. Both girls pledged Alpha Phi Gamma sorority and rose to become treasurer. Both Jessica and Ashley drive BMW’s and list “Coke Zero, my new nose, and the 47th Street Diamond district as my three favorite things ever”.
Though he loves his daughters, Morty (with the aid of three glasses of Chivas Regal) describes them as “insipid, JAP bitch, spoiled brats who tell me they hate me and ask for money in the same breath. They’re trying to drain me financially and mentally through the scrotum”. He is also distasteful of the twins’ decision to take their mother’s last name of Goldblatt.
Morty's youngest is his 12-year old son, Jacob. Jacob is an honor roll student at East Great Neck Middle School, and receives bar mitzvah training at Temple Beth Chaim. Morty tells me that he and Linda are planning a Lost-themed party.
Jacob is also into sports. Since the age of 7, he has played in the East-Central Nassau County youth soccer league. Despite Jacob’s protestations that it aggravates his asthma and that he has always hated soccer, Linda insists that it is good for his cognitive development.
Morty would describe his current life as in a “transitional period”. Though dedicated to his wife, he admits that the last time they were intimate was that time “Linda took one for the team in the car at Niagra Falls”.
Morty’s hobbies include waking up at 5:30 every day to go work out at Bally’s (at Linda’s insistence). His favorite time of the day is after the last patient leaves and Morty is free to take a few hits from the nitrus-oxide tank before going home to face his family.
In short. Morty is a middle-aged, sexually frustrated, spiritually repressed, financially abused, average Jewish professional from Long Island.
The Dr. documents his journey while wacthing the unwatchable
MY THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING THE 80TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS
By Dr. Mordechai Rosenbaum
Early Questions
-What is it about the Oscars that makes my balls retract into my stomach?
-How come the dominant thought floating through my head while watching this is “How drunk would I have to be to fuck a chick with a tail?”
- Why do I find myself constantly flipping back to Mr. Holland’s Opus on American Movie Classics?
Ways to make the Oscars more entertaining #103: Segregation.
The entertainment level of this show is somewhere between A Yugoslavian circus and hijab videos on Youporn
I should point out that as I type THIS SENTENCE, the show has been on for roughly twenty-five minutes.
Yes, there’s the clip of Cuba Gooding Jr. setting his race back sixty years with his acceptance speech that bordered on minstrel. But we can never forget the star of Boat Trip and Radio.
I remember reading once that any night where Woody Allen was nominated, he made a point of playing clarinet in a New York Jazz Bar. Mental note: Woody Allen is a jazz-loving faggot.
Javier Bardem just won for No Country For Old Men. The Academy just filled their “Awards given to a minority” quota for the night. The rest of the show should be nice and milky pure.
Just watched some weird gospel-like song performance. May have been Stevie Wonder, I don’t know. They must have gotten some kind of special permit to let this many black people be in one room with so many rich white people.
Owen Wilson is on stage. It’d be hilarious if Dennis Hopper is in the audience covertly jiggling a baggie just to fuck with him. Then Hopper calls Owen a pussy lightweight and that the amount of junk Owen got caught with would have lasted roughly 4.6 seconds if left lying around on the Apocalypse Now set.
Watch, now some douchebag anchor on ABC is gonna refer to Owen Wilson “bold” and “courageous” decision to appear on an awards show only a year after his minor stint in rehab.
Just to re-iterate. There are pussies in the drug world too. Owen Wilson is a pussy. Dennis Hopper is a demigod who could swing his dick like a lasso and impregnate sorority girls from across the room.
Alan Arkin...you know what? I can’t say shit, I like the guy. The In-Laws, great stuff. But he looks like that creepy Jewish Uncle who was still un-married at 60, worked at the OTB, volunteers at your junior high school, knew a disturbing amount of info on Jem and the Holograms, and would spent an hour picking out the tallis that he likes best at shul.
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton. God damn, she is ugly. She looks like something I was eating at the beach and dropped.
Okay, it’s no secret that Jon Stewart is Jewish. But is it me or does he seem like the kind of Jew who would volunteer to run the gas chambers just so he could live seven weeks longer than the group he was rounded up with?
I think Joel Coen and Howard Stern are the same person.
This is all bullshit. Ninety percent of these movies we won’t remember by next year. But the New Bev is selling out midnight screenings of Zapped.
Best Director award is coming up. Oh god I hope Marcus Nispel wins!
Ways to make the Oscars more entertaining #310: Have the cast of idiots from Best Week Ever hang around on folding chairs at stage left and make horribly unfunny jokes about everyone else’s horribly unfunny jokes. And everyone just ends up getting more and more flustered until they’re all sweaty and stuttering until even the people watching the show at home alone are really uncomfortable.
7:03 PM. Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. The sheer amount of Jew emanating from my tv makes me crave a can of Doctor Browns Black Cherry. Apatow probably gets a check just for these guys appearing on the show for forty seconds.
Best Actress Winner - Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose. Yeah, I have no idea who this chick is. Hot though.
They’re showing a montage of every Best Picture winner cut to the theme music from Dragonheart. Congratulations Universe: another point to you.
Yes. I was just able to correctly identify the theme music from Dragonheart.
7:38 pm. AFI shoutout by Robert Boyle. I’m not gonna knock the guy, but what kind of filter did they shoot him through? He looks like an old lesbian.
Penelope Cruz is like the hottest ugly girl I’ve ever seen. I’m mildly repulsed by her but I would still jump at the chance to ravage her. I’d fuck the ugly right out of the bitch.
Oh, who’s this eunuch with the velvety voice singing to these fruits dressed like Marianne Faithful?
I just realized that almost everyone on this show so far has been like 26 years old tops. That’s why they keep cutting back to the shot of Nicholson in the audience. He’s the only old-timer who can stomach this.
My theory about what was happening at this exact moment of the Oscar show 35 years ago:
They’re giving Frank Pierson some fucking award. But no one cares cause all the cool guys are haning out in the loading dock: Steve McQueens drinkin’ straight whiskey. Nicholsons slamming some production assistant doggy style over a workbench, Dennis Hoppers running in circles cause his mescaline kicked in and he thinks he’s a turkey, and Warren Beattys waving an eightball in front of Natlie Wood’s face so she’ll give him a rimmer. A young produer named Jerry Bruckheimer is ushered into a crypt beneath the stage for his meeting with Satan to go over the paperwork for their upcoming merger.
HOLY SHIT! How long has Hillary Swank had AIDS?
They didn’t have Roy Scheider up there with the dead. You have no fucking concept of how angry that makes me.
I like this Amy Adams chick. I liked her ever since she played the retarded girl that Leonardo DiCaprio fucked in Catch Me if You Can.
Did the Oscar Band just play Cum on Feel the Noize?
That was the best thing in the entire show!
I think it’s good that Ellen Page didn’t win. Cause that would have been it. She would have peaked at 20. If she was smart she would have won and then went straight home and sliced her own fucking throat.
Why’d they have to show that shot of Daniel Day-Lewis winning like 20 years ago? Now I don’t want him to win. I did before, but now I don’t. He has one already, fuck him.
Well there goes that hope. It’s minor, though. Defeinately not worth of the the save until I delete file in the tivo of my shattered dreams.
Johnny Depp looks like the kind of person our mothers warned us never to get into a car with.
Scorsese looks like the fucking Ringmaster from Dumbo.
Coen Brothers/ No Country... I can’t even say shit. I got no problem with this. These guys made a movie that didn’t have a fucking ending and made us believe it was brilliant. Who has the sack to even try to do soomething like that?
Holy shit, Joel Coen looks like Winston with a pompadour. (inside joke, don’t worry about it)
8:48 PM PST - the show ends. Hey, is anyone else fucking psyched to watch A Raisin in the Sun starring Sean Combs tomorrow night on ABC?
By Dr. Mordechai Rosenbaum
Early Questions
-What is it about the Oscars that makes my balls retract into my stomach?
-How come the dominant thought floating through my head while watching this is “How drunk would I have to be to fuck a chick with a tail?”
- Why do I find myself constantly flipping back to Mr. Holland’s Opus on American Movie Classics?
Ways to make the Oscars more entertaining #103: Segregation.
The entertainment level of this show is somewhere between A Yugoslavian circus and hijab videos on Youporn
I should point out that as I type THIS SENTENCE, the show has been on for roughly twenty-five minutes.
Yes, there’s the clip of Cuba Gooding Jr. setting his race back sixty years with his acceptance speech that bordered on minstrel. But we can never forget the star of Boat Trip and Radio.
I remember reading once that any night where Woody Allen was nominated, he made a point of playing clarinet in a New York Jazz Bar. Mental note: Woody Allen is a jazz-loving faggot.
Javier Bardem just won for No Country For Old Men. The Academy just filled their “Awards given to a minority” quota for the night. The rest of the show should be nice and milky pure.
Just watched some weird gospel-like song performance. May have been Stevie Wonder, I don’t know. They must have gotten some kind of special permit to let this many black people be in one room with so many rich white people.
Owen Wilson is on stage. It’d be hilarious if Dennis Hopper is in the audience covertly jiggling a baggie just to fuck with him. Then Hopper calls Owen a pussy lightweight and that the amount of junk Owen got caught with would have lasted roughly 4.6 seconds if left lying around on the Apocalypse Now set.
Watch, now some douchebag anchor on ABC is gonna refer to Owen Wilson “bold” and “courageous” decision to appear on an awards show only a year after his minor stint in rehab.
Just to re-iterate. There are pussies in the drug world too. Owen Wilson is a pussy. Dennis Hopper is a demigod who could swing his dick like a lasso and impregnate sorority girls from across the room.
Alan Arkin...you know what? I can’t say shit, I like the guy. The In-Laws, great stuff. But he looks like that creepy Jewish Uncle who was still un-married at 60, worked at the OTB, volunteers at your junior high school, knew a disturbing amount of info on Jem and the Holograms, and would spent an hour picking out the tallis that he likes best at shul.
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton. God damn, she is ugly. She looks like something I was eating at the beach and dropped.
Okay, it’s no secret that Jon Stewart is Jewish. But is it me or does he seem like the kind of Jew who would volunteer to run the gas chambers just so he could live seven weeks longer than the group he was rounded up with?
I think Joel Coen and Howard Stern are the same person.
This is all bullshit. Ninety percent of these movies we won’t remember by next year. But the New Bev is selling out midnight screenings of Zapped.
Best Director award is coming up. Oh god I hope Marcus Nispel wins!
Ways to make the Oscars more entertaining #310: Have the cast of idiots from Best Week Ever hang around on folding chairs at stage left and make horribly unfunny jokes about everyone else’s horribly unfunny jokes. And everyone just ends up getting more and more flustered until they’re all sweaty and stuttering until even the people watching the show at home alone are really uncomfortable.
7:03 PM. Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. The sheer amount of Jew emanating from my tv makes me crave a can of Doctor Browns Black Cherry. Apatow probably gets a check just for these guys appearing on the show for forty seconds.
Best Actress Winner - Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose. Yeah, I have no idea who this chick is. Hot though.
They’re showing a montage of every Best Picture winner cut to the theme music from Dragonheart. Congratulations Universe: another point to you.
Yes. I was just able to correctly identify the theme music from Dragonheart.
7:38 pm. AFI shoutout by Robert Boyle. I’m not gonna knock the guy, but what kind of filter did they shoot him through? He looks like an old lesbian.
Penelope Cruz is like the hottest ugly girl I’ve ever seen. I’m mildly repulsed by her but I would still jump at the chance to ravage her. I’d fuck the ugly right out of the bitch.
Oh, who’s this eunuch with the velvety voice singing to these fruits dressed like Marianne Faithful?
I just realized that almost everyone on this show so far has been like 26 years old tops. That’s why they keep cutting back to the shot of Nicholson in the audience. He’s the only old-timer who can stomach this.
My theory about what was happening at this exact moment of the Oscar show 35 years ago:
They’re giving Frank Pierson some fucking award. But no one cares cause all the cool guys are haning out in the loading dock: Steve McQueens drinkin’ straight whiskey. Nicholsons slamming some production assistant doggy style over a workbench, Dennis Hoppers running in circles cause his mescaline kicked in and he thinks he’s a turkey, and Warren Beattys waving an eightball in front of Natlie Wood’s face so she’ll give him a rimmer. A young produer named Jerry Bruckheimer is ushered into a crypt beneath the stage for his meeting with Satan to go over the paperwork for their upcoming merger.
HOLY SHIT! How long has Hillary Swank had AIDS?
They didn’t have Roy Scheider up there with the dead. You have no fucking concept of how angry that makes me.
I like this Amy Adams chick. I liked her ever since she played the retarded girl that Leonardo DiCaprio fucked in Catch Me if You Can.
Did the Oscar Band just play Cum on Feel the Noize?
That was the best thing in the entire show!
I think it’s good that Ellen Page didn’t win. Cause that would have been it. She would have peaked at 20. If she was smart she would have won and then went straight home and sliced her own fucking throat.
Why’d they have to show that shot of Daniel Day-Lewis winning like 20 years ago? Now I don’t want him to win. I did before, but now I don’t. He has one already, fuck him.
Well there goes that hope. It’s minor, though. Defeinately not worth of the the save until I delete file in the tivo of my shattered dreams.
Johnny Depp looks like the kind of person our mothers warned us never to get into a car with.
Scorsese looks like the fucking Ringmaster from Dumbo.
Coen Brothers/ No Country... I can’t even say shit. I got no problem with this. These guys made a movie that didn’t have a fucking ending and made us believe it was brilliant. Who has the sack to even try to do soomething like that?
Holy shit, Joel Coen looks like Winston with a pompadour. (inside joke, don’t worry about it)
8:48 PM PST - the show ends. Hey, is anyone else fucking psyched to watch A Raisin in the Sun starring Sean Combs tomorrow night on ABC?
SCHNABEL STUNS WITH NEXT MOVE: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BIOPIC
Oscar-nominated director and painter Julian Schnabel (Basquiat, Before Night Falls,
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly) may have just decided to take on his most challenging
subject yet. The renowned filmmaker, whose works seem to profile cultural bastions and
the Worldly, will next be seen taking a good, hard look at the biography of the oldschool Sega character, Sonic the Hedgehog.
Though the character is, indeed, a videogame, he is adamant that the film itself will be completely live-action and will emphasize 'realism.'
The Truth About Space
Yes. Space. That Black shit in the sky.
I sacrificed valuable masturbation time searching the heavens through youtube. This is what I got.
All videos below have been authenticated. Especially the bottom one.
Get Paranoid.
I sacrificed valuable masturbation time searching the heavens through youtube. This is what I got.
All videos below have been authenticated. Especially the bottom one.
Get Paranoid.
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